I’m not NOT anymore 

Right now, while on break at work, I feel so angry! I have quit smoking for a while and this is my 4th day.

I know that I have to get through the shit before I can get to feeling better but it is really catching up to me. The other day I broke down in Walmart crying! It was a mixed of my anger and not smoking. I just felt like a ball of fire, ready to explode.

I feel like no one understands what’s going on inside ever. Not even my husband. He doesn’t seem to really want to understand. He just thinks taking.l my mediciation is going to forever work and well… 

I’m getting tired of feeling tired, angry, fat, useless. I am changing this and not doing the stuff I don’t need to do!

Onwards…

….and you ask yourself: “how did I get here??

Writing is so hard when your feeling good. Nothing comes to you as freely as it did. Now, i’m looking at a keyboard
thinking of thing to write about.

Has my mental illness journey finally stop? I mean they do say, “all good things come to an end”, but I have
something that is helping my mood and stabling my life as much as it can. Shouldn’t I have more information and Ideas to venture??

They never tell you what happens after the storm.

So now, I’m sitting here, typing an excuse of why I don’t have an elaborate, cool, funny entry to give and asking myself:

What Now?

and did I ever have elaborate, cool, funny entries? I mean…

Mr. Mental Illness

There is a man that comes into my job purposely to get angry at us. I know this because I was warned of him before I even started working.

Mental Illness is at play, I think.

No one comes into someone job to be angry or nasty to others.. I just don’t think that is normal. Or maybe it is..

All I know is that this man has no regard for us or what we do for him.

Now… What am I suppose to do when I see him knowing that mental illness is at play? I’m an mental illness advocate but you can’t just come with ‘hi! Do you have a mental illness? I’ve noticed that you are angry like I was. Do you need help’

Nope. No. No way

Sitting back and watching is the worst.

Anyone got any Change??!

I’m  so ready for some change I can taste it. I can’t keep doing the same things and expect things to be different.

I can’t:

Smoke all day, everyday

Not exercise

Not have any goals

I got to get a fucking grip with reality. Before I blamed it on my mental illness, but now I’m starting to realize that it just is me! Me me me

Now that I know… Knowing is half the battle but let the battle begin because I’m going to have to fight to keep myself in check.

Change is hard to find. 

Disconnected DoDo

I’m feeling really disconnected from everything I’m doing and feeling. Dull.

I don’t really want to engaged with anything at the moment. May was super busy for and it looks like June is looking the same but still something is lacking its luster.

Even my blog is feeling dry and withered.

Can it be this medication I’m on? Did my illness at least make my days feel different because you never knew when I was going to be what I was going to be, whenever I was going to be it.  

Got that?

I just want to feel empowered, but that might be within and I’m just going to have to find it.